Earlier this year, I made the decision that after around a decade on the worship team at my church (where I have served as a vocalist, administrator and most recently, co-leader), it was time to step down. This past few weeks have seen a series of 'lasts': last time in the band on a Sunday morning, last team rota posted, last monthly newsletter published. It has felt strange, but right. Those who know me will know that I've been involved in worship teams and church-based bands for more than 25 years. Given that I'm 40 years old, that's a hefty chunk of my life. Music and God go together in my mind, and I don't think anything will ever undo that association.
Why then, you might well ask, am I hanging up my microphone? Nearly 15 years ago, I became a mother. I had one child, then another, and then one more. As my children began to grow and develop, I hoped that they'd enjoy music and singing and want to engage with God in that way, just like I had done all this time. To be honest, in spite of exposure during my teen years to imaginative, non-sung gathered worship experiences, somewhere along the way I had forgotten that worship could be anything but singing a bunch of songs. Anyway, as it turns out, only one of my three children really enjoys this kind of worship. The other two don't.
This wasn't something that, at first, I was easily able to come to terms with. I would expend a lot of energy trying to persuade them to engage, largely because I was worried about what people might think. But over the last two or three years, and particularly while I've been in leadership, I've become more and more challenged that while I'm happy to do the singing thing, they have become increasingly disengaged on Sunday mornings. And I've found myself with what is best described as a 'holy discontent' rising up within, and with questions that may not be new, but are begging to be explored, and maybe even answered, if that's possible. Questions like: why in the western evangelical/charismatic church is our gathered worship generally dominated by one pattern of doing things when we were created in such diversity? Should those who are uncomfortable with sung worship just suck it up and sing anyway? If gathered worship (whatever we mean by that term) is as important as we're told it is, why do we sometimes make it so difficult for some folks to join in - whether they're new to church culture, or they've been steeped in it since birth?
So, here I am, with no choice, it seems, but to step out of the river for a while, and with all these questions, and the increasing sense of being pulled out to the tributaries of church*, where things look very different. And while this is unsettling - seriously, I thought I'd be on the worship team for as long as I could climb the steps to the stage - I'm also beginning to get glimpses of what might be out there on those ragged shores.
I do hope you'll want to join me on this journey; travelling companions are always welcome. Bring a pack raft and a life jacket.
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| Thank you, Jo. |
*When I refer to 'the church', for the most part, I mean the UK evangelical/charismatic church scene/culture, not specifically my own church. I know this is a somewhat difficult term, and I'm going to try not to make my strokes too broad, but I'm up against the limitations of language here, folks. I guess the Liturgists would point to 'the asymptotic fidelity of words'. I'll try and make it clear when I mean something different. I also want to make it clear that I'm not about to single out any particular church for criticism, and I'd ask that if you want to comment, you don't, either. :)
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I love this Kim. I've gone through a journey over the last 12 months where I suddenly found myself (dare I say it...) bored(!!!) at church and uninspired by the music. It was quite a shock to me as a massive lover of music, I've traditionally been the person who loves to sing, play guitar, dance around. Suddenly it all disappeared and I mainly started to relate to God through silence, meditation and reading (#introvert). I realised churches (particularly charismatic ones) tend to only cater to people who connect with God through singing and people who connect with God through being preached at (let's be fair, the majority of talks I've been in across several different churches/denominations are didactic with the occasional token "talk to your neighbour about X"). As you said, it doesn't reflect the diversity found in the body and is could well be putting a lot of people off going to church / developing a relationship with God. I've also gone through a season of doubt and questions and found that Sunday services don't really cater to the questioning, the uncertainty, the mystery found within God. So lots to reflect and think about - my faith has felt more vibrant as God has broken my boxes. I eagerly await more of your thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this, Tim! I know what you mean, and I've heard a number of theologians and commentators talking about the sense of restlessness (for want of a better word) that some people are beginning to feel in churches. Some are suggesting that this is the Spirit at work somehow, which is fascinating to me. I have found my theological perspectives and the way I engage with God shifting over the past year or two, which took some getting used to, but I'm learning to embrace the uncertainty, and, as you mentioned, my faith has new vibrancy. I'd love to hear more of your thoughts!
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