What Next?

When I first started to feel the pull away from being involved in mainstream expressions of gathered worship (for want of a better phrase), I spent a lot of time asking myself and God 'but what will I do instead?' 

I honestly didn't know. As I mentioned in the last post, I had begun to feel less than content with my part in things, and I was challenged by the idea that there might be folks left by the wayside, struggling to join in with the service for all sorts of reasons. I realised that somewhere along the way, things had shifted, in terms of my own response to developments in evangelical/charismatic worship culture, as well as in my personal faith journey itself. I also realised that I had spent an awful lot of time and energy on trying to be alright with aspects of the culture, and that had taken its toll. Time to step out, but how? Maybe I was asking the wrong question. Maybe, instead of 'what should I do?' I should really be asking just 'should I do?'

I'm not always patient, and although I try to be open to new ideas and perspectives, and I try to be aware of my own biases, I tend to make my mind up about what I think of things very quickly. Perhaps because I've been involved in education for a long time, I also spend rather more time thinking about what I can offer to others, and how I can help them, rather than what wisdom they might be able to impart to me. If I really am feeling the pull away from a world I know very well, and towards exploring issues I've been aware of but not fully engaged with, then I need to get into the habit of keeping my eyes open for opportunities to learn.

Each year for the last few years, I've attempted to acquire (or take to a higher level) a new skill: a few years ago, it was felting. Last year, I learned to use image manipulation software to help me with my art. For 2017, I took on something I knew I'd find very hard, because I'm so poorly co-ordinated, and I have some vision issues. I decided that I'd like to learn to spin poi. If you haven't come across poi, they are weights tethered to cords which can be spun in particular ways to perform tricks. They are available in a vast array of colours and varieties. Some brave and clever folks perform with fire poi; I am not that brave or clever. As I anticipated, I haven't found learning to spin poi easy at all, but it has been fascinating, and it has given me valuable insights into how I learn. I have been reminded, for example, that I struggle with being a beginner, when everyone around me seems so much more advanced. I have also had many (literally) painful reminders that in order to really understand how to do something, there will be failure along the way. I have learned to make a habit of telling myself that those who are better than me were also once like me, giving themselves bruises and getting tangled up in the poi lines. I have learned to take deep breaths and try again tomorrow if a manoeuvre doesn't work today. I have begun to develop more of an awareness of my body in space - frankly, I've had to if I want to avoid concussion. I've been learning to apply what I already know about muscle memory in the context of literacy to something very different. Like I said, it's been fascinating.

It seems to me that I need to take all this, and apply it to whatever comes along next. Since stepping back, a few interesting things have happened, and I'll try and reflect on these in future posts. The first thing that happened was that I got an answer to my original question - at least, part of an answer - and it came via the excellent Nomad Podcast*, and Professor Richard Beck, who I heard say this just as I was wondering aloud to myself and God about the very same thing:

"Sometimes I think it's good to worship on the margins, because...the margins are pretty dark, but if you go there, you find a lot of life and hope...if you go there and worship on the margins, you will encounter hope."

So this is what I'm doing at the moment. As often as I can, I'm going to a much smaller gathering my church runs alongside the main service, and I'm not going  - for now, anyway - to 'help out', or be in the band during the worship time. Like my adventures with spinning poi, I'm trying to be patient and open, and I'm trying to develop a different kind of muscle memory. I'm going to see who I will encounter, and what I can learn.



*You can listen to this episode of Nomad Podcast here: http://www.nomadpodcast.co.uk/nomad-119-richard-beck-the-devil-for-doubters-and-the-disenchanted/